But then-a miracle!-up from the depths sprang HYPE, like Prince Myshkin returning from his faint, hair disheveled but soul unbroken. A 7% surge! A rally! Now hovering near $40, as if to say: “Dear comrades, I have not perished. The people still believe.”
Everyone’s walking on eggshells, tiptoeing around the broader market’s melodramatic pullback like it’s a soap opera. Suspense, tears, and maybe some popcorn. 🍿
According to data from Growthepie (because who doesn’t trust a pie-themed data company?), there was a glorious moment where Ethereum processed 24,192 transactions in just ONE SECOND. Can you say “speed demon”? I mean, sure, that sounds like something out of a sci-fi movie, but it’s real, baby!
“We’ve luxuriated in contemplation, dear reader,” confessed Shiv Verma, the venerable vice president of finance and strategy, during the florid oration that comprised their third-quarter earnings conference on a dreary Wednesday. “To align with our community, we must not only flirt with their passions but consummate them!” he declared, a twinkle of mischief in his eye.
Currently clinging to $0.163 like a socialite to her last shred of dignity, DOGE nosedived 5% on Tuesday. Institutional sellers, those paragons of fiscal responsibility, ensured it breached critical support levels. Meanwhile, on-chain data reveals whales offloading 1 billion DOGE-roughly $440 million of pure, unadulterated disappointment. 🐳💸
The Deribit bitcoin options market is now a battleground, where traders are preparing for the worst: a drop to $80,000 as spot prices show clear signs of weakness. 😱
There’s hope, dear reader! Strong retail accumulation on Coinbase and bullish Puell Multiple readings point to renewed upside potential near long-term support. So, don’t write off Bitcoin just yet, even though it’s hanging on by a thread.
In a recent missive, Hougan doth cite the wise macro thinker Jordi Visser, who compareth Bitcoin’s current state to a “silent IPO.” 🕵️♂️
The race for an XRP Spot ETF has escalated to “intergalactic urgency,” according to sources who may or may not be entirely sober. Grayscale, a firm whose name suggests it specializes in turning digital assets into existential crises, has filed an updated amendment for its proposed ETF. John Squire, a crypto influencer whose predictions are about 67% accurate (give or take a black hole), claims this move is “bold.” Bold, or possibly the result of sleep deprivation.
Apparently, Balancer got hit by a code exploit so sophisticated, it makes the plot of Ocean’s Eleven look like a kindergarten play. This digital heist, which went down on Monday, targeted Balancer v2 Stable Pools and Composable Stable v5 pools, leaving the rest of the pools as clueless bystanders. 🏊♂️🤷♂️
