The Democratic roundtable opened with 30 minutes of introductions so tedious they could’ve made a monk yawn. Industry reps, each armed with a wishlist longer than War and Peace, pleaded for inclusion in the bill like children at a bakery counter. “Please, Senator, just a little regulatory sugar?” 🎭
Zhao-known to his acolytes as “CZ”-had knelt before the American legal Leviathan in November 2023, confessing to the sin of laundering not money, but the very concept of money. Four months in a cell, a pittance compared to the $4.3 billion tribute extracted from Binance’s coffers, had purged him of guilt. Now, pardoned and unrepentant, he pledged to make America the “Capital of Crypto,” as though the nation were a failing mall in need of rebranding.
Meanwhile, the US government continues its bipartisan masterpiece of incompetence, presumably trading congressional overcoats for a national séance. The delayed September CPI report, expected to materialize today, may yet stir the pot-if only for the sake of drama. At 3.1%, it’s a mere whisper in the wind, or as a cynic might say, a ‘directional indication’ of where inflation refuses to go.
Mark your calendars! The exchange is starting to roll out trading again this Friday, October 24th. Yes, this is happening after what felt like forever, and the entire crypto community is collectively holding its breath. The plan is to restart trading in phases over four days, because nothing says “we’ve got this” like a gradual rollout. By October 27th, you’ll be able to trade with full functionality. Talk about building anticipation…
Polymarket’s gamblers, those brave souls with a penchant for gambling on the future’s chaos, saw the chance of “Who will Trump pardon in 2025” shoot up from a measly 5.6% to a decent 12%. More than $6.5 million changed hands, with a cool $302,090 betting on SBF-because nothing says confidence like betting on a guy with a prison sentence longer than some TV series.
Meet Axel Adler, the financial soothsayer, who tells us that both Bitcoin and our less-exciting cousin, the S&P 500, are still in what he calls the “late bull phase.” Now, the S&P 500 climbed a modest +13% over the last year, showing that investors are still willing to bet on dreams that just might come true. Interestingly, Bitcoin and the S&P tend to waltz in the same ballroom, though sometimes Bitcoin forgets the steps and drifts off to the corner for a solo dance, with a correlation of a mere 0.26. 🕺💃
It appears someone – and rather anonymously, I might add – shifted a truly staggering £506,152,575 worth of XRP. From one secret address to another, naturally. The mystery! The intrigue! One pictures shady figures in dimly lit rooms…or perhaps just someone with excellent financial planning. 🤔
With a wink and a nod to the future, these banks have crafted a blockchain solution that promises to make transactions faster than a squirrel on a coffee high, all while keeping customer deposits secure. 🚀
Despite scandals that could make a soap opera blush and a price plunge rivaling Icarus’ fall, the Pioneers (bless their optimistic souls) still chant, “It’s different this time!” The real question: Can Pi Network charm investors like a snake charmer, or will it collapse like a house of cards? 🐍
In the marble halls of power, lawmakers and crypto moguls whisper sweet nothings of bipartisan harmony. David Sacks, the AI and crypto czar of Trump’s realm, struts like a prophet, declaring victory after “productive meetings” with Democratic sages. Brian Armstrong, the Coinbase oracle, chimes in: “We’re 90% there!” he proclaims, as if the final 10% were a mere trifle, not a chasm of political wrangling. 🕺💼
