Bitwise, that indefatigable gladiator of the crypto coliseum, has been filing like a novelist on deadline – launching their Avalanche ETF just a day prior. Clearly, they fancy capturing every conceivable corner of the crypto bazaar before breakfast.
In a move that screams “we’re not here to make friends, we’re here to make Bitcoin,” Metaplanet has announced it’s spreading its wings (and its crypto) across the U.S. and Japan. Because why stop at one continent when you can conquer two? 🇺🇸🇯🇵
Such occurrences dovetail neatly with the recent resolution of Binance’s discourse with the law in the United States, whence the company acquiesced in lifting the judicial watchfulness imposed in the year of our Lord two thousand twenty-three. Come the gentleman’s fondfarewell in November of the same annum, Mr. Zhao conceded a handsome settlement, alas, summing to no less than four and three-tenths billion of the dollar, in recompense for adventures in remiss compliance with the anti-money regulations in that established nation.
The Anti-Money Laundering Regulation (AMLR) is basically Europe’s way of saying “privacy tokens, you’re outta here!” Monero and Zcash, beware-2027’s looking like a bad year for anonymity.
In the meme coin corner, Dogecoin took a nap, dipping 0.8%, while TRUMP (yes, that’s a thing) inched up 0.2%. Altcoins, as usual, are having an identity crisis-some are rising, others are sulking. Traders, bless their hearts, are sitting on the edge of their seats, waiting for the Fed to pull a rabbit out of its hat. 🐰
But wait, there’s more! A $1.39 billion sell-off and liquidations faster than a Black Friday sale. 🛒💨 Holders were sprinting for the exits like they heard the fire alarm (or maybe it was the regulatory scrutiny alarm?). Either way, it was a stampede. And the trading volume? Plummeted 23.9% to $1.03 billion. Talk about a hot mess. 🔥🤡
It’s all a grand theater, comrades, a dizzying waltz of numbers. They ‘explore the top updates today,’ do they? Likely grasping at straws, searching for meaning in the chaos. Update number one: People are still hoping to get rich quick. Update number two: They’re probably failing. Update Number three: More coffee is being consumed in trading rooms, fuelled by desperation!☕
Though BTC has since retreated to $116,600, a mere 400 dollars short of its celestial peak, it’s still managing to outshine the Fed’s latest monetary ballet. 🕺
“Sure, opening the door to crypto ETPs as early as October will likely result in a bunch of new products hitting the market,” said Matt Hougan, chief investment officer at Bitwise, in a report on Monday. “It’s pretty obvious, and history shows us that this could lead to a surge, but it doesn’t guarantee they’ll actually succeed.” 😬
On Tuesday, Chancellor Reeves and Secretary Bessent – names that will doubtless echo in the corridors of power for years to come – held discussions. One imagines stern faces, furrowed brows, and possibly a shared plate of canapés. The object of this solemn exchange? Strengthening “coordination” on crypto. As if crypto needed *more* coordination. It’s chaotic enough as it is. 🤪
