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For years, Belgian crypto enthusiasts have been playing the field with foreign exchanges and fintech upstarts, like lovestruck fools chasing a dream. 💔 But now, KBC is swooping in like a knight in shining armor (or a banker in a suit), saying, “Fear not, dear investors, we’ve got you covered.” 🛡️ Digital assets are finally getting a seat at the grown-ups’ table, right next to stocks and bonds. Who knew Bitcoin could be so… respectable? 🤵

Stable above $3,300, Ethereum began its ascent, mimicking Bitcoin’s every move like a shadow with delusions of grandeur. It breached $3,320 and $3,350 with the grace of a bear in a china shop, reaching a high of $3,402 before its inevitable tumble. Down it went, below $3,320, dipping like a nobleman into his third bottle of vodka. 🍾

According to the ledger and the coffee-stained charts, the asset has fallen 41% in three weeks, and in the last twenty-four hours another 10% has vanished, as if the town’s coins decided to slip away in the rain. 😌

He’s like a lone voice in a noisy room full of people arguing over who gets the last slice of pizza-a rather unsavory comparison to the European Union, who are already tossing around tokenized stocks like they’re confetti at a parade. 🎉

Behold, the exchange netflow-a metric both cruel and indifferent-rises like a specter from the crypt, whispering of tokens abandoned, of fortunes surrendered to the void. Traders, in their infinite wisdom, have sold not with malice, but with the resigned sigh of a man handing over his last coin to a beggar. And yet, in this grim ballet of supply and demand, the netflow swells, a grotesque parody of bullish ambition. For what is this surge but the prelude to a deeper plunge? A siren’s song luring the unwary into the maw of the abyss. 🐙

After a three-day winning streak that made it look like Bitcoin was on a sugar high, it suddenly decided to take a nap on Thursday, peaking just above $97,000. Even Trump’s dramatic Insurrection Act threat-which, let’s be honest, was more soap opera than policy move-couldn’t jolt it awake. 🥱 Meanwhile, the DOJ’s subpoena of the Fed last time had Bitcoin rallying like it was Black Friday. This time? Crickets. 🦗

Nikita Bier, the product lead with a name that sounds like it was plucked straight from a Russian novel, lamented that this model birthed “a tremendous amount of AI slop and reply spam.” With the bots now getting the boot (not to be confused with booting up your computer), he claims that the quality of content should skyrocket. Apparently, all it takes is a little corporate-level culling to bring back the golden age of genuine tweets. Who knew? 🤷‍♂️

Only a week past its notable success in the United Kingdom, where it was granted a full EMI license and Cryptoasset Registration, Ripple now finds itself firmly ensconced in both the UK and Luxembourg-two jewels amongst European financial crowns!

A Trio of Temptation 🤔

Bloomberg’s Eric Balchunas, that sharp-eyed scribe of the market’s more absurd antics, notes this semantic shift is no accident. “Crypto” has the social grace of a rogue algorithm, while “digital assets” smells faintly of lavender and institutional approval. A slide deck for a fund manager now glows with the sheen of respectability. How modern! 🧼