Blockchain detectives (yes, they exist) believe Satoshi’s stash consists of roughly 1.1 million BTC—all untouched since Bitcoin’s infancy. Imagine owning something worth more than several small countries combined and never once checking your balance. It’s almost poetic—or perhaps just maddeningly frustrating for those who dropped their life savings into meme coins last year. 😅
On July 29, the SEC waved its magic wand, declaring, “Let Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs mingle with stock markets!” And lo, the crypto realm shall now seamlessly merge with the stock market—a union as natural as oil and water, but with more paperwork. 📜
With gleaming eyes and pockets deep as old Mother Volga, Strategy ostentatiously announced that these shiny coins—the result of their audacious endeavors—were to be poured into the acquisition of a mere 21,021 Bitcoins. Who among us has an army of Bitcoins to play with in such reckless abandon? Surely the spirit of Gogol would be tickled! 😂
Seems inflation still has its sticky fingers in things, and folks with jobs are holdin’ strong, so our monetary wizards are fixin’ to keep their magic wand steady for just a spell. But oh, come September? That might just be a whole different kettle of fish! 🐟
In its audacious proclamation, Redstone proclaims that traditional “push” oracles—those painfully lethargic beasts that update prices at fixed intervals or after throwing a tantrum over predefined deviations—are now relics of a bygone era. During moments of plummeting market volatility, these sluggish updates wreak havoc, resulting in missed liquidations and revenue losses. Alas! They force our dear protocols into a swirl of inefficient risk maneuvers, like timid mice clutching low loan-to-value ratios. But fear not! Atom comes to the rescue, enabling liquidators to snap their fingers and trigger instant onchain price updates at the mere sight of opportunities, like wizards conjuring spells! 🔥
But wait! A mysterious signal has reemerged on the monthly chart—could this be a sign, or just the universe’s way of teasing us? Some whisper it’s the calm before the financial storm named Litecoin, and they might just be onto something!
As of July 29, Ethereum accounted for nearly 40% of the total open interest in the perpetual futures market, its highest share since April 2023. One might say this is a triumph of logic over the chaotic whims of the masses. Or perhaps it’s just the market’s way of playing dress-up in a glittering costume. 🧙♂️✨
They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and the video showing Storm, clad in what might be mistaken for a laundry commercial gone rogue, stirred the pot—washing “dirty” money with a smile. The prosecutors, with smiles tight as drumskins, proclaimed Storm a profiteer of a giant washing machine for illicit cash. Imagine, a man wearing a shirt and making a political statement—yet somehow, that shirt became the emblem of treachery in their eyes. Talk about fashion with a purpose, or lack thereof! 🧼💸
Accused of orchestrating a crypto heist, Banks slunk away, his denials ringing hollow in the echo chamber of social media. On platform X, he spat out his innocence: “I’ve never scammed anyone a day in my fucking life. The entire narrative is unfair and part of the reason it exists is cause my ‘FaZe’ name is so easily farmed and manipulated. The fact this is affecting the guys at all, is whack. So for the time being I’m gunna be stepping away…” – a dramatic exit fit for a tragic hero, or just a guy dodging the fallout. 😏
According to a press release that landed in our inbox on July 29 (probably via Improbability Drive), RedStone, the blockchain oracle for emerging DeFi assets, has unleashed RedStone Atom. This isn’t your grandma’s oracle—it’s designed to eliminate liquidation delays by allowing instant on-chain price updates. 🕊️
