Meanwhile, Telegram—yes, that *other* app you haven’t opened since 2016—has launched its TON Wallet to millions of U.S. users. Because nothing says “retail adoption” like herding people who still use “read receipts” into crypto. It’s like a synchronized swimming routine: institutions and everyday users both diving in at the same time. 🎢
Said Mr. Kirman, whilst conversing with The New York Times, that the firm hath responded to an insatiable demand from the high-net-worth individuals—those sprightly gentry who prefer to dabble in the art of purchasing property without the tiresome mediation of traditional banking systems. How chic! 🤭
Magistrate Judge Ronald Griffin, the wise wizard of the courtroom, dropped the hammer on Tuesday in Austin, Texas, telling Paul, “Nope, no blame-shifting shenanigans here!” 🚫👉 He urged the court to deny Paul’s desperate bid for a default judgment against CryptoZoo co-founders Eduardo Ibanez and Jake Greenbaum. Why? Because, as the judge so eloquently put it, “It’d be a circus of inconsistent judgments!” 🎪⚖️
In a display of corporate theatrics, TLGY Acquisition Corp. has announced its binding agreement to merge with StablecoinX Assets Inc., thus conjuring StablecoinX Inc.—an entity destined to master the noble arts of validator services and treasury management within the resplendent Ethena ecosystem.
In a recent missive on X, Sentora (formerly IntoTheBlock) has graced us with a chart that divides Bitcoin’s adherents into three distinct classes: traders, cruisers, and hodlers. A most scientific endeavor, one might say, though it’s hard to imagine these categories surviving a Wildean satire. Traders, those ephemeral beings who hold their coins with the same permanence as a summer romance, are the first to dance to the tune of market whims.
Political Ties Spark Controversy
Amr Taha, that scribe of the digital age, says Binance’s spot volume leapt to 58% on July 23, and the price of Bitcoin, that fickle lover, clings to its $117,000 crutch. It’s like watching a farmer pray for rain while the clouds gather on the horizon. The numbers are a riddle, but the pattern? It’s as clear as mud. 🧠
Earlier today, Satsuma Technology—formerly known as TAO Alpha PLC, because nothing says “rebranding” like changing your name to something that sounds like a sci-fi novel—confirmed the successful completion of a $135 million fundraising round. Led by “high-profile funds and institutional participants,” which is just a fancy way of saying, “We found people who think this is a good idea.” The money will be used to support their BTC treasury strategy, which is essentially a fancy way of saying, “We’re going to buy more Bitcoin and hope it doesn’t crash.” 🚀
Just over a week since its inception, the token PUMP, which had once soared like a phoenix, now lies in the dust, its value dipping to a paltry $0.0028, a figure so low it might as well be a jest. The market capitalization, once a proud $1 billion, now teeters on the brink of oblivion, a victim of its own hubris and the capricious nature of the crowd.
But oh, the irony! In Ethereum’s case, a single $600 million ETH withdrawal flipped the script faster than a revolutionary pamphlet. Instead of a clean cooldown, it ripped open the veil, exposing the hidden fragility of Ethereum’s DeFi stack—a fragility as glaring as a capitalist’s greed. 🤑💔
