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Everyone’s obsessed with cryptocurrencies lately-payments, investments, even their pets probably have crypto wallets at this point. Morningstar’s analysts, in their infinite wisdom, published a report on August 21, pointing out that while Bitcoin and Ethereum are cute for buying coffee or speculative daydreams, trusting them with your company’s financial future might be a *bit* reckless. Imagine putting your retirement funds into a game of high-stakes poker-except the dealer is in a different country, and the rules change every hour. 😅

In his much-anticipated soliloquy at the bucolic Jackson Hole, Wyoming-a place so quaint it makes one yearn for a monocle and a top hat-Powell declared, with all the subtlety of a peacock in full display, that “the balance of risks appear to be shifting.” 🦚 Oh, the drama! The central bank, it seems, is caught between the Scylla of inflation and the Charybdis of employment, a predicament as delightful as it is perilous.

But here’s the scoop – the game’s changing, and $TON is just the tip of the icy iceberg. Let’s dive into how these big corporations are throwing weight behind a few other flashy altcoins before the whole market goes bonkers! 🎉

The class-action suit, filed in August 2023, suggests that malicious actors, no doubt sipping lattes in some cozy cyber café, managed to nab sensitive data, sparking a delightful wave of phishing attempts. One can almost hear the chuckles from the dark corners of the internet.

In a recent strategy session-performed with the gravitas of a TED Talk on a YouTube stage-Zeberg proclaims Bitcoin shall ascend to a “new extreme all-time high,” as stocks and other risk assets waltz toward a “potential blow-off top.” A phrase so grand it could only be penned by someone who’s never touched a stock ticker in their life.

In the grand ballroom of the financial markets, Ethereum (ETH) has just executed a most elegant and bullish engulfing candle on the daily chart. Cas Abbé, a seasoned dance critic, observed that this particular step shows the buyers have returned to the floor. The green candle, like a dancer gracefully covering her partner, has fully enveloped the previous red one, a formation often interpreted by the audience as a change in the rhythm of the market.

How far will this wave of extravagance extend, and who’s next to don the crown? 👑

Co-CEO Joseph Chalom, a man who speaks with the confidence of a poet quoting Tolstoy, declared the firm will consider buybacks when its stock trades at or below the net asset value of its Ether holdings. “This program provides us with the flexibility to act quickly and decisively,” he added, as if fate itself would pause to let him breathe.

The big, thrilling news? The CoinDesk 20 is down. A whopping… *squints at paper* …1.1%. A devastating forty-four dollars and sixty-five cents. I’ve lost more than that in my couch cushions. This is a catastrophe for people who were planning to buy a slightly nicer cup of coffee tomorrow. ☕➡️🤏

“Bitcoin is volatile,” Pompliano declared with the confidence of a man who has seen too many charts. “In bull markets, we used to see pullbacks of 30%. Now? A modest 10-15%. This is what maturity looks like!” He went on to explain that the influx of institutional money and ETFs has tamed Bitcoin’s wilder tendencies, creating what he calls “muted volatility.” One can almost imagine Bitcoin sitting quietly in the corner, sipping chamomile tea while its institutional overlords pat it on the head. 🫖