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From the literary quill of one Denis Angell (a name almost too apt, as if summoned from the Book of Genesis for developers), the public now beholds the mystical scroll named XLS-56d. Supposing it slips past those gatekeepers otherwise subsisting on coffee, memes, and existential dread, it threatens to render asset transfers as smooth as a conman’s pick-up line at a charity gala. Wouldn’t you relish giving your wallet a workout—while paying less in gas than you would playing Mario Kart on a Sunday afternoon?

Now picture this: Charles Shrem – yes, that guy from the Blockchain Backer channel, the man with diamond hands and the patience of a rabbi at a brisket buffet – declares, “Hey, maybe XRP could knock Bitcoin off its throne!” Cue dramatic lightning and Bitcoin maximalists clutching their ledgers like grandma’s pearls.

Let’s face it: The blockchain is here to solve every human problem, except, y’know, the ones it can’t. So, what do you do when you’ve run out of problems? You invent new ones with AI!

Quite astonishingly, nine of the illustrious twenty have chosen to strut upward, defying the mighty gravity with the panache of over-caffeinated ballet dancers.

By sundown (and perhaps by moonrise), wallets swollen by 1,000 to 10,000 ETH each swelled further, collectively hoarding 14.2 million ETH. Oh, those magnanimous mammalian creatures and their digital blubber!

Flush with fresh gold, the company promptly did what every over-caffeinated startup dreams of: threw over $20 million at Bitcoin, buying 196.8 shiny bits of it in one go. This is part of their “Wizardly 10-Year Plan,” which mostly involves stacking Bitcoins like dragon gold, only without the fire hazard.

Mullen, a company so edgy they make a butter knife look dangerous, is letting you buy their EVs—including the Bollinger, which I assume is not related to champagne—with cryptocurrencies. Bitcoin? Check. TRUMP coin? Sure, why not. Meme coins, stablecoins… next they’ll take Chuck E. Cheese tokens and frequent flyer miles. Who’s in charge over there, Willy Wonka? 🪙🎰

With the echoes of a 90-day tariff holiday still ringing in traders’ ears, Bitcoin staged a recovery that was less “glorious resurrection” and more “budget three-act play.” Lately, though, the price gyrations seem to hint at a potential reversal. That ineffable bearish mood (“bearish” being code for: time to blame Goldman interns) has sauntered back onto the scene, shrugging off all institutional optimism, not least from two beasts of burden rather grandly named Strategy and Metaplanet (presumably one a PowerPoint and the other a German electronic band).