The case, suspended in the netherworld of legal abeyance, awaits the whims of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals. The court, a cosmic chessboard, demands the SEC submit a status report by August 15, 2025. Until then, the saga remains a paused opera, its resolution yet to be composed. 🎭
The celebrated Pump.fun, otherwise known as the ineffably christened “PUMP” token, suffered a grievous setback mere days following its triumph at the dizzying height of $0.00689 on the 15th of July. Alas, its descent was precipitous, falling a mortifying 66.58% in the passage of ten short days, at which point the meme coin launchpad was quite dashed to $0.0023. Oh, the ignominy! 😱
Misyon Bank in Türkiye has integrated Chainlink, a leading blockchain oracle provider, to improve trust and security for digital asset holders. This new move is right at the time when the U.S. White House acknowledges the use of Chainlink technology in securing safer blockchain finance. Because nothing says ‘we’re serious’ like a government that’s only just now realizing crypto exists. 🚀
Apparently, DeFi’s summer holiday is over—TVL back to its pre-terraform glory, so grab your sunglasses. Meanwhile, the IMF, in a shocking display of technological enlightenment, now considers crypto as worthy of a place on the accounting ledger. Who knew economists had a sense of humor?
In a twist worthy of a Bridget Jones diary entry (Dear Diary, today my operating income skyrocketed 7,100% YOY to $14 billion and I only spilled coffee on my shirt twice), the company co-founded by The Bitcoin Whisperer himself, Michael Saylor, dropped this bombshell on Thursday. Naturally, their latest numbers rely on fair value accounting, i.e., “we’re counting stuff that doesn’t exist yet, but it could if the universe finally appreciates us.” 😏
Argentina—famous for its economic ballet of devaluations and inflation that spirals like a caffeinated hamster—beckoned the American explorers. Their mission? To peer into the land where crypto isn’t just a currency, but a lifeline, a rebellion, and possibly the only thing that makes sense anymore. Led by the ever-dignified French Hill, they gathered with Argentinians to gawk at the crypto scene, like tourists at a curious zoo—minus the peanuts, plus the regulations. 🦜
DeFi Dev Corp has thrown another $218 million at Solana, averaging a purchase price of $155.33. Their double-digit weekly growth? A financial yoga pose called “The Bullish Stretch.” If this keeps up, they’ll be buying entire planets by next quarter. Or maybe just a small asteroid. Details are unclear.
It begins as all tragic comedies do, with a stray password and a heavy sigh. According to the legendary scribes at The Times of India, Rahul Agarwal—staff member, laptop enthusiast, and possible sleepwalker—found his credentials used in a midnight caper worthy of Dostoevsky, but with less vodka. He now sits in the care of Bengaluru police, his name shadowed by the spectral sum of ₹379-crore, while the $44 million in question cavorts gleefully across a dozen crypto wallets.
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Imagine, if you will, Sequans, a proud semiconductor manufacturer hailing from Paris, once peering confidently into the future, only to find its stock price plunging faster than a soufflé in an open oven. Their audacious partnership with Swan, raising a hefty $384 million—more than MicroStrategy’s modest step—now echoes back as a ghost of capitulation. Investors expected a gold mine; instead, they got a landslide.
