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Bitcoin, bless its wild heart, might just hoof it up to $150,000 before the leaves finish fallin’ in October, if you reckon by those halving-cycle whatnots.

Blockchain sleuths at Arkham—yes, like the asylum, but for crypto—confirmed that each wallet had been gifted 50 BTC back in April 2010. Back then, Bitcoin was trading for fractions of a cent, and mining a block on your grandma’s laptop cost less than a cup of coffee. Ah, the good old days, when 50 BTC was just a fun little bonus and not a down payment on a small country. ☕💻

Our hero tweeted (because where else would he save the day?) a Matrix-esque digital rain, whispering sweet nothings about Donald Trump’s campaign vow to turn America into the “crypto superpower of the world.” Naturally, the crypto crowd lost their minds—in the best way—like kids who just found out there’s cake, and not just a website about cake.

This ascent, dear friends, is no mere accident but part of a carefully orchestrated “pre-launch” symphony that began on April 1st—a date that some might call suspiciously close to April Fools’ Day. Yet here we are, witnessing what can only be described as the financial equivalent of watching paint dry—but with emojis! 🖌️✨ The presale and pre-launch phases have been nothing short of miraculous, allowing Husky Inu to raise funds like a street performer collecting coins in a hat. Except this hat now holds over $863,000. Bravo!

Yep, you read that right. Tether’s not just throwing darts at a board—they’re playing 4D chess with $127 billion in U.S. Treasuries. Their latest attestation report, verified by the fancy folks at BDO, confirms the $4.9 billion net profit. And get this: they issued $13.4 billion in USDT during Q2 alone. That’s more money than I’ve seen in my entire life, and I once found a $20 bill in a pair of old jeans. 🧢💸

A list of facts so dry, they’d make a librarian weep. But fear not! Here’s the drama: Grayscale is now the ultimate gatekeeper of intellectual property, because nothing says “innovation” like charging fees for the right to use someone else’s ideas. 🤡

Framed by the White House as the most comprehensive federal assessment since… well, ever, the report urges Congress to grant the Commodity Futures Trading Commission spot-market authority, implores the SEC to embrace sandboxes, and reiterates the administration’s disdain for central-bank digital currencies. Yet, after 160 pages of granular recommendations, the only mention of the fabled Strategic Bitcoin Reserve (SBR) is tucked into a section titled “Cementing US Leadership through the Bitcoin Strategic Reserve and US Digital Asset Stockpile”—a phrase so grand it could double as a Shakespearean tragedy. 🎭

Visa, ever the social climber, has now opened its doors to four blockchains and four stablecoins (including PayPal USD and Circle’s EURC). Stellar’s invitation to this digital soiree means Visa partners can now settle transactions on its network, fulfilling Stellar’s 2014 promise of “faster, cheaper cross-border payments” – a claim as old as the blockchain itself. 🚀

And just like that, Bitcoin waltzed into the top five most valuable assets on this spinning rock we call Earth. No slow burn here—just a 13% leap in a week, fueled by ETFs and bigwigs throwing money like confetti. 🎉

Get that coffee brewed, because the big players are whispering secrets louder than your neighbor’s loud lawn mower. Rumors of supply shocks, strategic lootings, and liquidity squeeze plays are swirling so fast you’d think Bitcoin is auditioning for a magic show. Spoiler: it might just pull a rabbit out of the hat—probably a very expensive rabbit.