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In a press release dated July 28, CEA Industries Inc. (Nasdaq: VAPE, yes, we’re serious!) announced this thrill-a-minute $500 million private placement—because why not? It was upsized due to heavy demand; apparently, everyone wants a piece of the Binance pie! 🍰 According to crypto.news data, they’re going for a Nasdaq-listed treasury vehicle exclusively for—wait for it—Binance Coin (BNB), the fourth-largest cryptocurrency. Talk about a plot twist!

According to DropsTab, the bulk of Mahmudov’s gains came from SPX6900, a memecoin that has soared over 10,500% in the past year. He purchased SPX6900 at a mere $0.01, and now it trades around $2.24, netting him an estimated $66 million profit from that token alone. Other holdings, such as GIGA and SKIBDI, have also performed admirably, though not all of his bets have paid off. His stake in Apu Apustaja (APU) plummeted by 53%, leading to a loss of over $86,000, while losses on RETARDIO and POPCAT amount to around $490,000 and $270,000, respectively.

Schiff concedes the cryptocurrency’s dizzying climbs in price, those vertigo-inducing surges that have left many breathless, but he dismisses them with a sardonic wave. “Prior speculative gains don’t qualify Bitcoin as a store of value for current buyers,” he insists, as if speaking to a room full of dreamers chasing shadows. The irony, of course, is palpable—much like a character in a Chekhov story who clings to illusions while the world crumbles around them. 😂

Japan’s largest corporate Bitcoin enthusiast, Metaplanet, hasn’t just been dabbling in the crypto waters; it’s been diving headfirst into the deep end. On Monday, July 28, Metaplanet’s Bitcoin holdings officially crossed the $2 billion threshold, thanks to blockchain analytics platform Arkam Intelligence. 🕵️‍♂️

Oh, look, crypto’s finally infecting Wall Street like a stubborn cold. But forget Bitcoin or Ethereum hogging the spotlight—no, this time it’s BNB getting the billion-dollar cuddles from Nasdaq firms. How original. 🙄

On the daily chart, there lies the most massive green candle the likes of which we have not seen in five days. Could it be a sign of bullish momentum, or merely the universe playing tricks on our naïve hearts?

Enter CryptoQuant, declaring Bitcoin’s 3-month realized volatility has slumped to a mere 70%, a rarity that whispers of unnatural serenity. This figure skulks near the all-time lows, just above the 62% it hit on September 23, 2023, when BTC was loafing around $26,000. Such stifling calm often heralds chaotic upheavals, turning the upcoming days into a tense standoff that could redefine Bitcoin’s fleeting fate. Boom or bust? The suspense is killer! 💥

This strange yet thrilling ride saw the Lista Dao (LISTA) hit $0.3628—an impressive leap, more than 222% from its most wretched depths this year. Market capitalization? A snazzy $74 million and counting, with the fully diluted valuation playing coy at $334 million.

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MARA looked at the price of Bitcoin, the way a raccoon eyes discarded pizza: with enthusiasm, a bit of hunger, and total disregard for calories. They’ve effectively announced, “We believe in Bitcoin so much, here’s nearly a billion dollars—let’s get mining, boys!” The next logical step? Buy more machines, suck more electricity, and maybe, just maybe, horde Bitcoin like some eccentric dragon (but with fewer fair maidens and more spreadsheets).