Wall Street’s New Obsession: Shiny Digital Tokens 💰

So, these very serious people – at the Bank of New York Mellon (catchy, right?) and Goldman Sachs (still sounds vaguely sinister) – have decided that $7.07 trillion worth of money market funds isn’t moving fast enough. It needs to be… *tokenized*. It’s like they’re turning money into Pokémon cards. “Gotta catch ‘em all!” Except instead of trading Charizards, you’re trading… fractional ownership of something you’ll probably never understand. As of July 16, 2025, apparently this was a thing. It’s 2024 as I write this, and I suspect they just made that date up to sound more important.

🚀 Flare (FLR) Soars 70%: The Sky’s the Limit? 🚀

Flare (FLR) has finally broken free from the long-term descending wedge that had been keeping it in check since early 2025. Imagine a prisoner escaping after months of confinement—only to find that the world outside is much more exciting! 🚪✨

Profusa Goes Full Bitcoin: $100M Treasure Hunt & Warrants Galore!

Here’s the genius part: Profusa will sell shares at roughly 97% of the lowest five-day average price—because nobody likes to buy at the peak. All proceeds from these shindigs will go straight to buying more Bitcoin, unless they dip below a modest $5 million cash buffer, in which case they’ll just… yeah, buy more Bitcoin anyway. Because of course they will.