Flush with fresh gold, the company promptly did what every over-caffeinated startup dreams of: threw over $20 million at Bitcoin, buying 196.8 shiny bits of it in one go. This is part of their “Wizardly 10-Year Plan,” which mostly involves stacking Bitcoins like dragon gold, only without the fire hazard.
Mullen, a company so edgy they make a butter knife look dangerous, is letting you buy their EVs—including the Bollinger, which I assume is not related to champagne—with cryptocurrencies. Bitcoin? Check. TRUMP coin? Sure, why not. Meme coins, stablecoins… next they’ll take Chuck E. Cheese tokens and frequent flyer miles. Who’s in charge over there, Willy Wonka? 🪙🎰
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With the echoes of a 90-day tariff holiday still ringing in traders’ ears, Bitcoin staged a recovery that was less “glorious resurrection” and more “budget three-act play.” Lately, though, the price gyrations seem to hint at a potential reversal. That ineffable bearish mood (“bearish” being code for: time to blame Goldman interns) has sauntered back onto the scene, shrugging off all institutional optimism, not least from two beasts of burden rather grandly named Strategy and Metaplanet (presumably one a PowerPoint and the other a German electronic band).
Among the hapless was a 77-year-old widow, bless her, who found herself out of a whopping AUD 433,000 ($281,947, give or take a platypus), all thanks to some digital Don Juan from Not-Really-Belgium. This rotter, with the smoothness of a used car salesman on commission, convinced her that Bitcoin was the bees’ knees and that fortune was but a button-press away. He even flourished some utterly fictitious paperwork showing he’d made a tidy AUD 13,000 ($8,464) in a mere week. Anyone with less cynicism than Bertie Wooster accepting a new chef might have bought it too.
The Simpson’s Wild Crypto Prediction 🔥
XRP Pumps to $100K 📈
BTC Crashes to $1 📉
XRP 4 EVR 🧠
This is no idle dabbling; it’s the appetizer to an eye-watering $1.2 billion Bitcoin feast. The aim? Reduce trusting currencies that inflate faster than a soufflé at a high-altitude baking contest. With inflation and geopolitics running amok, why not bet your ballast on Bitcoin?
Google’s latest announcement has reignited that fear.
Why, even Brad Garlinghouse himself—the CEO whose name echoes in vaulted fintech halls and meme-laden forums—descended from his executive perch to express gratitude. “Huge progress,” he pronounced, no doubt with a furrowed brow and a visionary gleam, while the developers, huddled like peasant families awaiting winter, received his words with the resigned gratitude of men who have just dug a new well.
To the forlorn chorus of geopolitical wrangling, the old crypto continues its waltz. A 4% rally in 24 hours, as if money itself had grown impatient with sleep and sought to reclaim the limelight. But in the quiet wings, a subtler drama unfolds—investors, skittish as finches at dusk, have been changing not only their movements, but their habits, as the wise folk of CryptoQuant would have you know.