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“Do I care if the prices go up and down?” you might ask, channeling your inner Bob Belcher. The response: “No, I don’t care.” Apparently, larger issues-the sort that usually make grown men weep-loom much bigger than a few peaks and valleys on a graph. Ever heard of the perpetually borrowing US government, or how the mighty dollar keeps losing its luster? Apparently, someone at the Fed should take notes from how Kiyosaki forecasts the future-a dollar less tomorrow probably beats a dollar worth of anger now!

U.S. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, that paragon of optimism, declares with the fervor of a prophet that the Senate Agriculture Committee’s updated crypto regulation bill shall march forth, despite the fact that Republicans and Democrats, in their eternal dance of discord, have not yet reached a final agreement. One might wonder if the bill’s progress is as swift as a hare in a race against a tortoise-only to find the tortoise has forgotten the rules.

This Mr. Kwok, having no doubt endured sleepless nights pondering the mysteries of the blockchain (and perhaps a slight greyening of the hair, as he himself notes with a touch of vanity), has declared a vision. A vision, mind you, not of peace and prosperity for all mankind, but of a single XRP – a digital trifle, really – reaching the astonishing value of one thousand dollars. And not sometime in the distant, vague future, but by the year 2030. A bold decree, wouldn’t you say? One shudders to think of the expectations it might raise in the hearts of those easily led astray by such pronouncements.

This crikey development followed Gemini Earn users getting their crypto back in a move so gracious it’ll make you question why banks ever charge fees. The long, agonizing legal saga began in 2023, which feels like ago enough to call it a “resolution.” As if.

This marvel of modern finance, this financial chimera, was forged in collaboration with none other than the House of Doge – self-styled stewards of the Doge realm, though no one quite knows who signs their paychecks. Nevertheless, they swagger forth with the confidence of men who’ve convinced the world that a currency featuring a dog’s face deserves a seat at the grown-ups’ table.

With all the gravitas of a press release announcing a particularly unremarkable sandwich, 21Shares declared the launch of TDOG on Thursday, January 22. The ETF, now trading on NASDAQ, promises direct exposure to Dogecoin-because, evidently, the world needed another way to gamble on a meme coin with the financial stability of a soap bubble. Each share is backed 1:1 by DOGE, reassuring investors that, yes, their money is indeed being stored somewhere, presumably under a very large digital mattress.

In this wild ride of crypto chaos, the derivatives market for Bitcoin is like that one friend who always tells you to “calm down” while you’re screaming at the TV. According to some hotshot named Joao Wedson from Alphractal (sounds impressive, right?), the Bitcoin Open Interest in BTC terms hasn’t even bothered to reach new heights since 2022. It’s like it’s stuck in traffic-just not moving anywhere, but hey, at least it’s got company!

From the cobblestones of Paris, this hardware wallet maestro now sets its sights on the New York listing, a stage where crypto firms have lately strutted with varying degrees of grace. BitGo, Circle, Gemini-all have taken their bows, but Ledger’s performance promises a unique blend of drama and farce, according to the Financial Times.

On the bright side, stablecoins are like the über-efficient PA bridging DeFi and TradFi, fixing TradFi’s snail-paced transactions with the speed of a caffeine-fueled Bridget Jones typing up her diary. Meanwhile, banks are side-eyeing the whole situation like Mark Darcy at a singles mixer, especially after that “reward” debate threw them into the spotlight.

But hey, futures traders, this is your moment to shine-or crash and burn. Because if key levels break, it’s gonna be a wild ride. Buckle up, buttercup.