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Ethereum’s price, like a fleeting dream, ascended past $3,400 and $3,550, mirroring Bitcoin’s ghostly waltz. ETH, a phoenix, climbed above $3,600 and $3,620, only to be met by the cold breath of bears.

On Tuesday, SoFi announced they’ll let customers trade “dozens” of cryptocurrencies-Bitcoin, Ether, and whatever else they can cram into a digital wallet. The rollout? A staggered affair, like a slow-witted possum learning to dance. More folks will get access in the coming weeks, because nothing says “urgency” like a phased launch. 🐢

In a move that could easily be mistaken for an episode of “Spy vs. Spy,” China’s cyber authorities are accusing the U.S. of having a hidden hand in a gigantic bitcoin stash seizure. The National Computer Virus Emergency Response Center (CVERC)-try saying that five times fast-released a report on November 9, 2025, that makes some eyebrow-raising claims. According to CVERC, the U.S. government didn’t just sit idly by when 127,000 bitcoins were stolen in a 2020 cyberattack-they grabbed the loot themselves. I mean, who knew the U.S. was moonlighting as a crypto thief?

The first spot XRP ETF in the United States-reminiscent of a poorly scripted sci-fi romance between Wall Street and a Telegram group-threatens to launch amid a flurry of regulatory trills and clipboard-approved ecstasy. Canary Capital Group LLC, that nimble jester of financial innovation, filed a Form 8-A with the SEC on November 10 (a Tuesday, if one wishes to romanticize dates), thereby completing the final, almost embarrassingly mundane, rite before the glorious trundling of ticker symbols onto the Nasdaq tapestry. It’s like watching a swan emerge from a dumpster fire-graceful, improbable, and slightly toxic. 🔥🦢

Ah, Brazil, the land of samba and stablecoins! Between mid-2024 and mid-2025, this tropical titan processed a staggering $319 billion in crypto transactions, securing its place as the fifth-largest crypto market globally, according to the ever-watchful Chainalysis. But the true pièce de résistance? A whopping 90% of this crypto frenzy involves stablecoins-those digital darlings pegged to mundane currencies like the US dollar, used more for payments than for speculative shenanigans. 🌍💰

It seems XRP’s attempt at a rally is like your New Year’s resolution-gone before it even began. Currently trading at $2.46, it just couldn’t hold its ground above the magic $2.55-$2.60 zone, where moving averages go to die. A cluster of them-50-day, 100-day, and 200-day EMAs-came together like a gang of tough bouncers blocking XRP from entering the party.

A recent filing revealed that Tether has been unloading approximately 7.7 million shares since September, raking in a cool $166 million, which means it went from roughly having a 23% stake to a polite 18%. Honestly, more like keeping it classy while still being mildly disappointed.

Tether’s plan? To diversify its balance sheet with physical assets-because nothing says “safety” like hoarding gold while the economy wobbles like a drunken tightrope walker. With over $12 billion in gold, Tether now has more treasure than a pirate’s cave (and far fewer parrots). 💰💎

Behold, XRP, the beleaguered prince of cryptocurrencies, may soon be crowned a “commodity” under the watchful eye of the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC). A fate that could either save or doom Ripple, depending on whom you ask. The crypto market, ever the drama queen, holds its breath. 🤡💸