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The EU, that paragon of unity, responded with the urgency of a man discovering his socks are missing. Meanwhile, the Democrats, ever the diligent guardians of fiscal responsibility, rushed to thwart the President’s tariff proposals, their efforts as futile as trying to catch a shadow with a net. Yet, amidst this chaos, BTC stood tall-calm, unshaken, as if it had already foreseen the entire debacle and decided to ignore it. A saint in a world of sinners, or perhaps a cryptocurrency with a PhD in existential apathy.

It started 2026 all optimistic and shiny, gaining roughly $10 billion. Which, let’s be real, is a lot of shiny. But naturally – naturally – it’s already given back 85% of that in less than a week. It’s the classic “high-risk, high-reward” thing. Or, as I like to call it, “highly likely to leave you questioning your life choices.”

During this spectacle, AXS had commanded the highest trading volume in its realm, flaunting three straight days of $100 million. The daily volume, ever the capricious sprite, leapt by 190%, soaring to $326 million-or so claimed CoinMarketCap, that tireless chronicler of digital whims.

Behold, the Chief Investment Officer of Bitwise, Matt Hougan, a man of profound wisdom and questionable sanity, declared on the hallowed halls of X (formerly Twitter) that sustained bitcoin ETF buying could drain the supply like a drunkard siphoning a wine cellar, setting the stage for a price surge so fierce, it would make the Tsar’s beard tremble! 🧙‍♂️🔥

Strategy Chair Michael Saylor, that sage of business wisdom-or perhaps just a very committed Bitcoin fanatic-tells us that Bitcoin surpasses bonds, stocks, and all other treasures. When the price of this electronic gold rises, it can even lift a faltering company’s spirits and balance sheets, even if the profits are playing hide and seek. Who knew that digital coins could have such power? 💸

Key Takeaways (or, as one might say, the crème de la crème of this farcical affair):

So, the big boys are scooping up XRP like it’s going out of style. Ali Charts says wallets with over a million XRP added 50 million tokens in a week. 🎉 Santiment’s data? Fluctuating like my mood at a family reunion. 🤪 Between January 11 and 16, whale balances were doing the cha-cha between 3.5 and 3.6 billion XRP. 💃 But let’s not get too excited-it’s a drop in the ocean compared to the 55 billion circulating supply. 🌊 Still, the timing’s interesting. Accumulation near $2? Could be a setup, or just another episode of “Let’s Consolidate for Fun.” 🎭

According to Onchain Lens (the TikTok of crypto analytics), a whale-or a crypto-millionaire with questionable life choices-dumped $7.9M USDC into Hyperliquid. Then, like a kid in a candy store, bought 6.46M ADA at ~$0.38 each. That’s $2.5M of “I’ll take a dozen, please.”

Key pirouettes to marvel at:

According to the feds (you know, the guys in the suits), Gina didn’t bother to tell anyone that her money source had kicked the bucket back in 2019. Nope! Instead, she decided to play “let’s pretend” and forged the late beneficiary’s name on 84 checks. I mean, who needs a conscience when you can just impersonate a ghost? 👻