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Gemini is currently charming the regulators, wooing the CFTC to get their blessing for what’s basically insider info on everything from weather patterns to the outcome of last night’s reality TV rerun. Meanwhile, Crypto.com has already partnered up with Hollywood.com, promising contracts based on prime-time scandals, star romances, and who wins the next Oscars-it’s like betting on the Oscars, but with more pixels.

Selling pressure, that relentless harpy, tightens its grip, while market activity swirls like a tempest in a teacup. What folly awaits? What farce shall unfold? Only the gods of blockchain know. 🧙‍♂️

In a tête-à-tête with Bloomberg, our dear Senator revealed the bill’s grand ambition: to end the regulatory waltz between the SEC and CFTC, dividing oversight like a society hostess arranging seating at a gala. Drafted in 2022, this legislative masterpiece is now sashaying toward bipartisan backing, with hopes of a Senate debut before the year’s end. “Clarity to innovation,” she coos, as if clarity were a pearl necklace and innovation the latest Parisian couture. 🌟✨

Down 27% in a month? Pfft. 8.4% in 24 hours? Child’s play. Both technical and on-chain data whisper (or rather, cackle) that Ethereum may have found its bottom. 🍑✨

This absurd ascent, however, has not gone unnoticed. The watchful eyes of Bubblemaps, a blockchain analytics platform, have cast a skeptical gaze upon this farce, whispering of coordinated schemes and the dark arts of market manipulation. 🕵️♂️💼

The FTX Recovery Trust (sounds like a superhero team, but nope) filed a notice on Monday saying, “Never mind, folks!” after trying to freeze payouts in 49 countries. 🌍 Why? Because apparently, navigating cryptocurrency regulations in places like China, Saudi Arabia, and Russia is like trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. 🤷‍♀️

Mine operations now perch on branches lesser than remarkable, boasting record-low profitability all while AI-trade correlations weave a tapestry of market uncertainty fit for a nightmarish Fin de Siècle boutique.

The Facts

Upon this dismal day, the vast empire of crypto’s total market cap retreated by a sorrowful 4.5%, dwindling to precisely $3.47 trillion, thus relinquishing a staggering $300 billion in value within mere hours-a tempestuous sea of monetary tumult! Bitcoin, the throne’s reluctant heir, faltered below the cherished $100,000 threshold for the first time since the ides of June, briefly plunging to $99,075 before settling near $100,870. A decline of about 5%-oh, what heart-wrenching caprice! 💔💸

According to an exchange of whispers with Bloomberg, Gemini plans to unfurl its wings and soar into the prediction markets “as soon as the stars align,” thus filing with the Commodity Futures Trading Commission to become a derivatives bazaar of sorts.