Gone are the days of moon-lambs and diamond-hands chants! Now, the buzzwords are “regulation,” “infrastructure,” and “economic use”-as thrilling as watching a beaver build a dam, but allegedly revolutionary. Coinbase’s 2026 Crypto Market Outlook insists this is progress. Sure, Jan.
As the year 2025 drew to a close, Bitcoin’s rally proved as reliable as a teapot in a storm, leaving bulls clutching their charts and muttering about “market sentiment.” The prophets of yore, with their grandiose proclamations, now find themselves in the peculiar position of having been spectacularly, amusingly, tragically wrong. 🐂💥
Behold, the monthly chart, a parchment of doom, foretells the formation of a macro bottom near $25,000 in the year 2026. The analyst, ever the optimist, remarks that history, that fickle mistress, rhymes with deep retracements, which are but long-term accumulation zones. “This is not the end,” he says, “but the reset before the next expansion-assuming, of course, the universe doesn’t implode first.” 🌌
This recovery began in the upper $2.80s, where ICP gathered strength like a petty official plotting revenge, constructing higher lows before storming the psychological fortress of $3.00 (according to CoinDesk Research’s “technical analysis,” a phrase as reliable as a Petersburg weather forecast).
The open interest, that elusive sum of unsettled futures contracts, now towers at 13.58 billion DOGE, a monument to the folly of those who dare to bet on the whims of a meme. What is this but the modern-day equivalent of gambling with dice in a Siberian gulag? 🎲
Analysts, those sagekeepers of the blockchain forest, shrugged like coyotes at dusk. “Exchange ledgers might bare bones,” they mused, “but poetry in the red ledger doesn’t mean gold in the market.”
The 11 spot ETFs collectively suffered net outflows of $1.09 billion in December, following a much more alarming $3.48 billion in November. This combined two-month redemption marks the largest since their debut in January 2024, as per data from the ever-reliable SoSoValue. The wave of outflows signals a significant decline in institutional appetite for Bitcoin, coinciding with its precipitous price drop.
“Rejoice, mortals! Milady returns!” he declared, his words echoing through the digital steppes. Yet what manner of progress did this prophet tout? Higher gas limits? A “larger blob count”? (One wonders if the man has ever seen a real sheep.) Behold, the sacred ledger grows! zkEVMs sprint toward performance nirvana, and lo, Ethereum strides toward being “a fundamentally new and more powerful kind of blockchain.” 📈
The so-called “wisdom of the crowds” on Polymarket is currently expressing what can best be described as “mild panic with a dash of skepticism.” The idea that Bitcoin will soar to $150,000 by 2026 is being treated not with excitement, but with the kind of cautious side-eye usually reserved for someone claiming they’ve invented a toaster that also does taxes. 🤨
Jupiter, that Solana-based darling of exchange aggregators, has launched Mobile V3, proclaiming it the first fully native pro trading terminal. They’re calling it a monumental milestone – because, really, who doesn’t love a bit of hyperbole? 🤷♂️ This update is aimed at traders seeking professional features via mobile-first crypto infrastructure, because apparently, desktops are so last season.
