Panic! Crypto Triumphs, Tumbles, Then Dances as Fed Ponders and Trump Tarries

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Once upon a not-so-distant Thursday, the feverish green ticker-tape of cryptocurrency products succumbed to a rare hiccup, halting fifteen delirious weeks of inflows. This delightful deviation—like an intermission in Tchaikovsky’s lesser works—emerged just as hopeful investors, cocktail glasses trembling, tuned their radios to the hawkish, warbling aria of the Federal Open Market Committee (FOMC). Investors, it seemed, had their wings clipped by Powell’s operatic solos.

The world’s globe-trotting exchange-traded products (ETPs) promptly suffered outflows worth $223 million, reports CoinShares, published on a Monday for maximal existential effect—could one imagine a more tragic workweek overture? 🥀

The week began, optimistically, with $883 million cascading into crypto coffers—yet the fickle gods reversed the trend somewhere after Wednesday’s borscht, “likely triggered,” as the ever-cautious chroniclers note, “by the hawkish FOMC meeting and an avalanche of annoyingly competent US economic data.” The report, in its prosaic wisdom, added:

“Given we have seen US$12.2bn net inflows over the last 30 days, representing 50% of inflows for the year so far, it is perhaps understandable to see what we believe to be minor profit taking.”

Jerome Powell, reigning monarch of mumbling disappointment, singlehandedly torpedoed dreams of a September interest rate cut, reducing fevered optimism from a giddy 63% to a dour 40%. CryptoMoon, noblesse oblige, reported the waning fervor last Thursday, just as the crocuses wilted.

August, historically the Waterloo of Bitcoin (BTC), dawns again. CoinGlass, ever the Cassandra, proclaims August brings a median BTC return of -7.49%. You’d do better playing roulette or writing memoirs. 🎲

Bitcoin, that sullen prima donna, hogged the limelight with a $404 million vanishing act. Yet, some plucky analysts predict the next act won’t open until Congress returns from its summer reverie, sunburnt but invigorated. Matrixport, in a Friday note, swears that “Fiscal uncertainty has historically been a powerful tailwind for hard assets, and Bitcoin remains front and center in the narrative.” Yes, fiscal “uncertainty.” How poetic.

Ether, That Stubborn Thespian, Takes a Bow

While others tripped in retreat, Ether (ETH) ETPs held their chin up and sauntered to a fifteenth week of net positive inflows—$133 million, if one wishes to count coins. A robust round of applause!

So why the torrent of affection for Ether? The report insists on “robust positive sentiment.” Translation: investors still believe in magic. 🪄

Meanwhile, XRP, Solana (SOL), and Sui (SUI) strutted their week in ironic green, snatching $31.2 million, $8.8 million, and $5.8 million, respectively. Not quite enough for a new Bugatti, but respectable pocket change in crypto-land.

Then, as the orchestra tuned for Act III, U.S. President Donald Trump twirled his pen and signed a magisterial executive order, splattering tariffs between 15% and 41% on imports from 68 lands. Summer, which was already inhospitable to Bitcoin, now took a sharp turn toward the absurd.

Stella Zlatareva, dispatch editor and apparent master of metaphor at Nexo, described Trump’s Aug. 1 decree as sending “a chill through global markets.” Yet, the crypto tides—familiar with frosts and thaws—experienced a mere “recalibration.” The market’s worth pirouetted over $3.7 trillion, fortified by institutional conviction and the dream (the legend!) of “clear US regulation.” Stella, in an uncharacteristic fit of optimism, predicts that “altcoin stability may gradually return.” Bravo, Stella. Encore! 👏

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2025-08-04 14:29