Profusa Goes Full Bitcoin: $100M Treasure Hunt & Warrants Galore!

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Profusa Decides to Hug a Bitcoin and Call it ‘Treasury’

  • Profusa naively strolls into Bitcoin territory with a shiny $100 million credit line, because who doesn’t love digital gold? 💰💻
  • Meanwhile, they’re keeping a cozy $5M cash cushion—just in case they need to buy pizza or something. The rest? Went straight into Bitcoin, because what could possibly go wrong? 🚀
  • In exciting news, Ascent gets 900,000 Profusa shares for nearly nothing—like a buy-one-get-one free for billionaires! 🍾

Profusa, the health-tech firm with a penchant for throwing its money at digital treasures, has just announced a plan as subtle as a elephant in a crystal shop. They’ve secured a $100 million credit line (which is basically, “Hey, bank, lend us infinite money, please.”) with Ascent Partners. The goal? Fill their treasury with Bitcoin until they drown in digital currency and possibly their own hubris.

Stock Sales + Bitcoin: The New Power Couple

Here’s the genius part: Profusa will sell shares at roughly 97% of the lowest five-day average price—because nobody likes to buy at the peak. All proceeds from these shindigs will go straight to buying more Bitcoin, unless they dip below a modest $5 million cash buffer, in which case they’ll just… yeah, buy more Bitcoin anyway. Because of course they will.

The company can only sell 19.9% of its shares—probably to avoid screwing up the entire stock market’s week—until shareholders give their blessing, because nothing screams strategic genius like a bit of shareholder approval. 🏦✨

Warrants: The Freebie That Keeps on Giving

As if to make life more interesting, Profusa is handing over warrants for the equivalent of 900,000 shares at the tiny price of a penny per share. That’s right, one cent! They’re basically giving Ascent a license to print money, or at least to buy stock at bargain prices later. 💸

CEO Ben Hwang claims this is all about protecting shareholders and fighting off the evil forces of monetary debasement. Plus, it aligns with what other big companies are doing: pretending that Bitcoin is the new corporate must-have. Because who doesn’t want a digital piggy bank that might explode any day now? 🐷💥

In short: Profusa is throwing down the gauntlet for digital health firms everywhere, saying, “Look at us, we’re so future-forward, we’re practically dating a cryptocurrency.” If their Bitcoin gamble pays off, investors might start lining up behind similar schemes. If not—well… at least it’ll be entertaining to watch.

Warnings? Sure, there’s always a risk. Bitcoin’s price could plummet faster than a lead balloon, regulations might tighten, and profits could evaporate like mist in the morning. But hey, at least Profusa’s making a bold statement: “We believe in the future,” even if they’re only guessing what that looks like. 🕵️‍♂️

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2025-07-23 20:35