Finance
What to know, my dears:
- The fund intends to splash out a cheeky $40M-$75M per mouthful, gobbling up four to six mid-sized crypto critters. 😂
- It’s eyeing trading towers, analytical gadgets, and all that non-token twaddle-none of those pesky speculative trickeries here! 😏
- Maelstrom plots a U.S.-registered beastie, aiming for its first snap shut by March 2026 and a full feast by September oh-two-six. 🤑
Ah, Arthur Hayes, that wily wizard of wild crypto wizardry, is stirring up a storm with his family office Maelstrom, desperately drumming up $250 million for a grand private equity jamboree to nab middling crypto miscreants, or so whispers Bloomberg on this fiendish Friday.
This fund, my little lambs, plots to dollop $40 million to $75 million per dastardly deal, swallowing up to six firms obsessed with trading contraptions, data-divining sorceries, and all other such fiddly fancies.
Maelstrom’s after the honest-to-goodness non-token equity lot, where values are pinned to actual cash flows, not some puffed-up token tomfoolery-far less likely to burst like a overinflated balloon! 💨
“These rascally businesses are heaps easier to bag,” chortled Maelstrom’s co-founder and managing merrymaker Akshat Vaidya. “No silly artifice of unused tokens to jack up the prices to fantastical levels, what?” 😂
The fund, duly registered in those ban-happy U.S. lands, will craft its acquisitions through clever special-purpose vehicles, plonking its own loot down first and whistling up co-investors like a pied piper. Vaidya dreams of a first curtain-fall by March 31 next year, with the full circus rolled up by September 2026. Hayes himself and partner Adam Schlegel will lead the riotous rampage, concocting a proper team of mischief-makers thereafter.
Hayes, that eternal enigma in the crypto carnival, gets credit for dreaming up perpetual swaps and nudging innovations like Ethena’s synthetic dollar-what a crafty cad he is! 😉
Maelstrom, in their cunning silence, offered not a peep to CoinDesk’s inquisitive quips for more tea. 🙄
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2025-10-17 20:07