Strategy CEO Drops Mic, World Yawns: Billions, Bitcoin, and Big Shrugs

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Oh joy, another routine evening on Wall Street: Strategy casually pockets a breezy company-record $10 billion profit—the sort of chump change that would barely buy you a flat in Notting Hill these days—and the market’s reaction? A 1.4% nap, er, “decline” in after-hours trading. Not exactly the confetti shower CEO Phong Le was hoping for. Le, possibly clutching an emotional support latte, insists Strategy is “the most misunderstood and undervalued stock” out there. Somewhere, misunderstood artists everywhere are nodding.

In a twist worthy of a Bridget Jones diary entry (Dear Diary, today my operating income skyrocketed 7,100% YOY to $14 billion and I only spilled coffee on my shirt twice), the company co-founded by The Bitcoin Whisperer himself, Michael Saylor, dropped this bombshell on Thursday. Naturally, their latest numbers rely on fair value accounting, i.e., “we’re counting stuff that doesn’t exist yet, but it could if the universe finally appreciates us.” 😏

And because buying sensible things with profits is overrated, Strategy is planning to raise another $4.2 billion to buy more Bitcoin, because, apparently, you can never have too many trendy digital coins. This is all part of their “42/42” plan—because why aim low when you can sound like a Douglas Adams fan having a midlife crisis? Goal: acquire $84 billion in Bitcoin. That’s right, folks, Strategy’s growth plan is basically “collect them all.”

Strategy: The Invisible Unicorn

According to Le, next year Strategy’s operating income will be $34 billion. He says that’s the ninth-biggest haul in the whole S&P 500, though with all these numbers flying around it feels more like binge-watching a finance soap opera. 🧮 However, the company’s market cap still languishes around 96th, which, in company cliques, is basically hanging around the kitchen at a party no one invited you to.

“We’re capitalized on the most innovative technology and asset in the history of mankind, on the other hand, we’re possibly the most misunderstood and undervalued stock in the US and potentially the world.”

Meanwhile, the lowly software department scraped together $114 million (a rounding error for Strategy, probably what they find beneath the CEO’s couch cushions) from business intelligence and subscriptions this quarter. The much talked about common stock, MSTR, closed up 1.73% to $401.86—so at least someone somewhere believes in ambition and spreadsheets. Google Finance informs us that after-hours trading dropped 1.4%, because nobody likes a showoff. Or maybe they just had dinner reservations.

Bitcoin Metrics—Because Regular Metrics Are So Last Year

This year’s hot topic: “BTC yield” (basically, how big is our pile of magic internet money versus our pile of imaginary shares). The company, with 628,791 BTC worth $73.3 billion, boasted a 25% BTC yield spike in Q2. Also, the Bitcoin “$ Gain” surpassed $13 billion, meaning Strategy demolished its own targets halfway through the year. Aim low, celebrate early, and bring out the bubbly. 🍾

In a decidedly un-shocking turn, Le upped full-year goals to a 30% BTC yield and $20 billion in BTC $ Gain. Yes, the spreadsheet wizards are ready for their close-up.

“Any company that is able to double their targets throughout the course of the year, you would consider that a success.”

Pass the Hat: Time to Buy More Bitcoin

Oh, and in case you thought they were done, Strategy snagged another $2.5 billion in July from STRC (pronounced “stark,” because subtlety is dead), and promptly spent it on 21,021 shiny new Bitcoins. For 2025, it’s the biggest US equity raise yet, which is really just a polite way of saying “hold my beer, we’re not finished.” Stay tuned for next quarter, when they’ll probably try to buy the moon. Or at least Sussex.

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2025-08-01 04:27