Two executive orders, two grand gestures, and a dash of financial alchemy! Monsieur le Président, with the flair of a Parisian boulevardier, proclaims banking liberation and crypto riches for all-because nothing says “freedom” like Bitcoin in your 401(k)!
Banking Rights, Crypto Gold, and the Art of the Farce
David Sacks, the White House’s crypto maestro, declared on X that the illustrious Donald Trump has inked two decrees so bold, they could make Molière himself roll in his grave (or perhaps write a new play). These orders, he claims, will revolutionize banking, retirement, and the very soul of American finance.
The first, dubbed “Fair Banking for All Americans,” is a valiant crusade against the villainy of politically motivated account closures. As Sacks proclaimed:
“No more shall banks behave like jealous lovers, cutting off services to those who dare to think differently! Even the most controversial TikTok influencers and farmers of illicit hemp shall find solace in the banking embrace!”
This noble edict, of course, is a direct rebuttal to the shadowy cabal of banks who once silenced conservatives and waged “Operation Chokepoint 2.0”-a scandal so absurd, it could only exist in the pages of a satire.
The second decree, a masterstroke of financial democratization, permits 90 million Americans to inject cryptocurrencies into their retirement accounts. Sacks, with the enthusiasm of a man selling you a bridge, explained:
the White House now plays the role of a financial jester, juggling policies with the grace of a man on a unicycle.
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2025-08-08 05:57