White House’s Bitcoin Secret: A Comedic Enigma 🤡

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Oh, behold! A 163-page tome, hailed by the Trump administration as a “roadmap” to make the United States the “crypto capital of the world,” descended upon us on 30 July. Yet, for those curious souls who dared to inquire about the federal government’s Bitcoin hoard—or its grand designs to amass more without new funds—the document proved as enlightening as a sock puppet’s soliloquy. 🤷♂️

Framed by the White House as the most comprehensive federal assessment since… well, ever, the report urges Congress to grant the Commodity Futures Trading Commission spot-market authority, implores the SEC to embrace sandboxes, and reiterates the administration’s disdain for central-bank digital currencies. Yet, after 160 pages of granular recommendations, the only mention of the fabled Strategic Bitcoin Reserve (SBR) is tucked into a section titled “Cementing US Leadership through the Bitcoin Strategic Reserve and US Digital Asset Stockpile”—a phrase so grand it could double as a Shakespearean tragedy. 🎭

This passage, with all the subtlety of a cannon blast, reiterates Executive Orders 14178 and 14233, which task the Treasury with administering a Bitcoin reserve funded by forfeited crypto and “budget-neutral” acquisition strategies. “The Bitcoin in the Reserve will generally not be sold,” the report declares, as if this were the moral equivalent of not selling the national cheese reserves. One might ask: *Why not?* But perhaps the Treasury’s budget neutrality extends to common sense. 🧠

Bitcoin Reserve Confirmed, But Still Secret

Hours later, Executive Director Bo Hines of the President’s Council of Advisers on Digital Assets faced questions on “Crypto in America.” When asked about the reserve, he replied, “Well, look, we have it. It’s been established through executive order in the SBR!” said Hines, with the confidence of a man who has never actually seen the reserve’s balance sheet. 📜

Hines then waxed poetic about the logistical complexities of implementing such a reserve: “You must build the infrastructure! You must cross your T’s and dot your I’s!” he declared, as if Bitcoin were a delicate soufflé and not a digital asset. Despite these assurances, the Bitcoin community groaned louder than a Parisian cabaret singer at a jazz club. 🎵

Pressed for an estimate of the US’s Bitcoin holdings, Hines replied, “I can’t discuss that right now.” When asked if it would ever be public, he responded, “There are several reasons… we’re not disclosing that. But what I will say is, you know, we want as much as we can possibly get.” One might infer that the US government’s Bitcoin strategy is akin to a child’s piggy bank: mysterious, unaccountable, and suspiciously quiet. 🪙

The new report from President Trump’s Digital Asset Group did not address a bitcoin strategic reserve

But I asked @BoHines for an update anyways

— Jacquelyn Melinek (@jacqmelinek) July 30, 2025

This evasiveness has only fueled speculation. As MacroScope noted, “The status of both issues [government buying and current BTC holdings] is addressed… Current amount held: As the months pass without disclosure, I think it’s becoming clear that this is now viewed within the administration as a sensitive issue.” One might wonder if the government holds less Bitcoin than a single pizza purchase—or if they’ve been quietly selling it to fund the next Broadway show. 🎭

This silence has created a vacuum of uncertainty, much like a Molière play where the protagonist forgets their lines. Analysts had hoped the report would outline strategies for budget-neutral Bitcoin acquisition, but no such plans were revealed—only vague affirmations that the government “believes in accumulation.” A bold stance, one might say, for a reserve that remains as elusive as a ghost in a sock puppet show. 👻

Either way, the next phase of this policy—especially any proof of sovereign accumulation—could prove pivotal. As MacroScope quipped, “I continue to see this as a potential career-maker type of trade for institutional guys if it plays out optimally.” Or, as Molière might say, “Ah, monsieur, the stage of politics is ever a comedy of errors!” 🤡

At press time, BTC traded at $118,442.

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2025-07-31 18:20