Why Bitcoin and Gold Miners Are Secretly Laughing at Everyone 😏💰

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Jurrien Timmer, the director of global macro at the immense and terrifying colossus that is Fidelity, has muttered-ahem, opined-that Bitcoin-sensitive stocks and gold miners are locked in a gladiatorial struggle to claim the dubious honor of “best performer of the year.” One almost wonders if they sip tea together and exchange knowing winks while the mortals of Wall Street tremble. 🥸

These groups of stocks have somehow achieved gains exceeding 150%, a number that is at once magnificent and horrifying, as if the universe itself were mocking our pitiful attempts to understand risk. Truly, these are the assets that laugh at mere mortals. 🤡

Meanwhile, physical gold and the notorious meme stocks fight for the runner-up throne. One might imagine them as siblings, constantly bickering: gold with its solemn dignity, meme stocks with their chaotic glee. Their returns currently suggest dispersion-a polite way of saying “everyone is chasing money in wildly different directions and probably panicking a lot.” 🏃‍♂️💨

Timmer also noted, with a trace of bemusement perhaps, that AI stocks and European banks have risen more than 50% year-to-date. One wonders if he is jotting this down with a mix of awe and existential dread. 🤯

Bitcoin’s underperformance

Meanwhile, Bitcoin and the stolid utilities-those boring, income-generating stocks that prefer a quiet life with predictable dividends-are up by a modest 20% this year. Surprisingly, they move in sync with the S&P 500, which is almost a miracle considering that Bitcoin is still seen as the wild, reckless child of the financial world. 🎢

As reported by U.Today, Timmer had earlier predicted that Bitcoin would one day, perhaps in a dramatic flourish worthy of Dostoevsky himself, outshine gold in the second half of the year. One can almost hear the sighs and laughter of those who dared to doubt it. 🙃

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2025-10-30 21:01