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Arkham pronounced, with a sigh echoing Tolstoy’s resignation, that this was the largest abduction of its kind—$3.5 billion in Bitcoin, then, and now, as if blessed by some Tsar’s folly, $14.5 billion. The mining pool, once a giant rolling through the steppe, was left with air and empty servers. The digital bandit, like a Dostoevskian villain, sent not a whisper nor a mocking letter, choosing instead to dance unseen with his loot for years. Only in 2024, like the unhurried passage of Russian trains across endless plains, did the tale surface in the public’s teacup.

The CoinDesk 20, that enigmatic creature, now stands at 3770.58, a modest 0.3% (+11.59) ascent since 4 p.m. ET on Friday. A mere hiccup in the cosmos of crypto, yet the world holds its breath. 🌌

The market’s a rodeo, and DOGE’s just been bucked off again. Analysts, those modern-day prophets with spreadsheets for halos, point to the 4% drop in 24 hours as proof of the apocalypse. From $0.20 to $0.188 it fell, a slide down the crypto cliffs as global macroeconomic concerns whispered sweet nothings into traders’ ears. “Risk-off sentiment,” they call it. I call it a herd of lemmings with Bitcoin wallets.

Dogecoin (DOGE) was trading at $0.20, with a 24-hour volume of $1.4 billion. It’s up 2% in 24 hours but down 17% for the week—like a rollercoaster that forgot to tell you it’s a napkin. Over the same period, DOGE wiggled between $0.19 and $0.20, proving it’s the king of short-term drama.

So, after Bitcoin made its spectacular appearance with an all-time high of $123,230, it decided to take a little breather (probably to grab a snack). It’s now just above a rather pivotal support zone around $111,800. And guess what? This once-dreaded level, that acted as resistance, is now playing the role of support. How lovely! 🍀

Once again, rumors of China wielding the crypto ban hammer have outdone themselves—cutting Bitcoin below $113,000 overnight. Yes, dear reader, the spectacle! And all because someone whispered “ban” in a crowded digital tea party. ☕️

The world’s globe-trotting exchange-traded products (ETPs) promptly suffered outflows worth $223 million, reports CoinShares, published on a Monday for maximal existential effect—could one imagine a more tragic workweek overture? 🥀

Hunter Horsley, CEO of Bitwise Asset Management (yes, another crypto bigwig), decided to bestow upon Brad Garlinghouse—the man who eats subpoenas for breakfast—an honorary medal of valor. Well, not literally, but you get the idea.

For a company that spent the last few years locked in a legal tango with the SEC—complete with dramatic freezes and courtroom fireworks—this ranking is the blockchain equivalent of being invited to the Royal Ball. A triumph not just for Ripple, but for the entire crypto industry, which is finally learning that lawsuits and success can coexist. 🎩⚖️

But it is XRP, dear readers, that has decided to hog the limelight, surging a full 6% in the last 24 hours! It briefly flirted with the dizzying height of $3.03 before settling down, like a particularly ambitious social climber, at $3.00. Such extravagance! The trading volume, naturally, has tripled, because nothing says “sensible investment” like a frenzied mob. It appears “big investors” are involved… or perhaps just unusually excitable pigeons. 🐦